Faking Depression.

It’s 10am and i’ve only just woke up on my day off work, after working 88 hours over 9 days. My head is allover the place and I have to keep reminding myself to take my medication and have some breakfast, that staying in bed all day won’t help me. I finally pull myself out of bed, grab a coffee and put on the TV to try and wake myself up a little with ITV This Morning, one of my favourite day time channels to watch on my days off work.

As I sit there, my head still coming round battling with thoughts of anxiety, depression, unworthiness, panic, guilt, there is a women with a smile from ear to ear on my TV screen laughing at the face of the NHS saying she ”faked depression to get her nose job”! Well anger was the main emotion spinning round my head when I saw this! All my life I have battled with endless stigma around my mental health, from people not believing mental illness is real to people thinking mental illness just means you should self harm and end your own life. From being 15 years of age to 24 years of age now I have battled with that stigma and abuse daily and will do probably the rest of my life and that’s hard enough but put that ontop of the abuse and negativity my own mental illness feeds my mind daily it’s deadly.

I wouldn’t wish my mental illness on my worst enemy, as much as i’d like to be rid of my own mental illness I wouldn’t pass it on to anyone to have the freedom, but I sure as hell am not going to battle with my mind 24/7 7 days a week, 365 days a year to watch some smug woman on my TV screen openly and freely admit with a smile on her face that she faked what I have just to gain a nose job!

It’s bad enough that you would even go to the lengths of lying to the NHS to get such a prize, but it’s even worse that you would openly come on national TV and laugh at the face of mental illness and those who fight so hard to live a normal life while living with a mental illness, and fight for the stigma to be gone! What angers me even more as I write this blog is simply that I am writing this blog! Because I am giving her the attention she wants, the publicity, her name to be allover social media, her face to be known. Isn’t it about time we stopped giving these kind of people airtime on our screens? Isn’t it time these people were punished for putting the NHS in the state it’s in? Isn’t it time innocent people got some justice?! Isn’t it time we took the smile of their faces? Isn’t it time things changed?

Stay strong, Keep faith.

RayRay.

Go Away, Please Stay!

Poetry By Rachel Burridge.

Head clouded with thoughts, flying from every direction.

Heart bubbling with a million emotions, craving more affection.

She’s madly inlove with him, he’s madly inlove with her.

She knows all this already but she can’t keep from asking him if he’s sure?

She only asked him last night if he still wanted to stay with her forvever.

But 24 hours can change so much, she needs to make sure they are still together.

She begs and pleads for him to remind her why he wants to remain by her side.

She smiles while he reminds her from the begining but she can’t help thinking he’s lied.

”If you want to go just go right now” she screams inbetween tears.

She would rather be alone than live with all these screaching fears.

An hour later she cries and begs and pleads him not to go.

He whispers in her ear no matter how much you tell me to run i’ll always say no.

She needs daily reminders and to stay true to his word that he will always stay.

And all those poisonous jelous voices will be kept right at bay.

The Water Baby.

Poetry By Rachel Burridge.

Her head full of clouds, a big ball of mess.

A head full of negativity and bad thoughts but no where to confess.

She’s screaming for help but no one is there to listen.

No matter how many times she sleeps the voices never go missing.

She walks down to the river it’s the quietest place she knows.

The rush of the water flowing and suddenly the loud voices goes.

She dips her feet in the water and closes her eyes shut.

Her worries floating away in the sky she’s crawling out of her rut.

The fish splashing out of the water, hello smile on her face.

She thought there was no hope for her but this wasn’t the case.

As the water flow slowed down, so did the rush of her anxiety.

She realised the problem she had was only one with society.

Everyday from then on she sat by her favourite spot.

To take a break from her busy mind in a place that had been forgot.

Society Sucks.

Poetry By Rachel Burridge.

She decides to take a steady drive, get out and see the world.

But the driver behind doesn’t like how slow she’s going as he shoots by her in a whirl.

She decides to take a steady walk and mooch at the shop windows displays.

But the couple behind are too busy to admire them, ”we haven’t got time to waste” he say’s.

She decides to stop and ask someone at work how their holiday went.

But the manager doesn’t see that as work and shouts ”make sure your times well spent”!

She decides to colour her hair at home a little dip dye, she wanted a change.

But a group of teenagers at the corner shop decide they don’t like it and tell her she looks strange.

She waits for her friends to come round tonight, she hasn’t seen them in so long.

But they just want to sit on their phones all night, It’s all just feels so wrong.

She decides to stay at home today, just sit infront of the TV.

But it’s all doom and gloom from around the world no joy on here to see.

Back To Basics.

Poetry By Rachel Burridge.

She looked at all her clothes, shoes and bags and items she didn’t need.

She was living in a material world and money was it’s feed.

She’d had the buzz and adrenaline from buying on the spot.

She knew the happiness would always pass though no matter how much she got.

She threw on her joggers and her comfy jumper, back where she felt at home.

She grabbed a roll of bin bags and filled them with everything she had to own.

She kept one outfit, one pair of shoes.

She didn’t need the rest then it wouldn’t take her as long to choose.

She kept one lot of make-up, one lot of her favourite body lotion.

She looked at the pile left on the floor it looked like she was making a potion.

She threw all her bin bags in the bin, one after another.

She felt a sense of relief like throwing out an abusive lover.

She didn’t want to play by the rules anymore of this world revolving around a pound sign.

She had one drawer of belongings now and with that she would be just fine.

No more wasting items that she never needed in the first place.

No more being sucked into the sales of the world or joining in on the rat race.

Dirty Depression.

Poetry By Rachel Burridge.

She hasn’t washed her hair for a week, her split ends are starting to tare.

She doesn’t even know where her hair brush has gone,but she has lost the care.

She hasn’t brushed her teeth for days, her mouth is starting to feel stale.

She hasn’t done her washing for months it’s just hung over the stair rail.

She hasn’t changed out of her night clothes for weeks, she has no day clothes clean.

She hasn’t opened the curtains in her room because she doesn’t want to be seen.

She hasn’t sprayed her favourite perfume for months, it’s starting to collect dust.

She hasn’t washed her pots for so long some spoons are starting to rust.

She hasn’t had a shower for days, but she is used to the smell.

She has lost all self control and ability for self care in deep depression she has fell.

The Dirty Truth About Depression.

Alot of blogs and posts you see about depression, even leaflets in the doctors waiting areas speaking about mental health and if your struggling with depression never really highlight the sides of it that are hard to talk about with someone suffering with depression, such as hygiene. They will always have a clean, washed healthy looking person on the front of the leaflet, clean hair, white teeth, clean clothes and some people do face depression in that way and can still function with everyday hygiene routines for themselves and keep self care up with their appearance but some like my self struggle with it and that’s ok.

I find not many speak honestly about how depression can truley change everything about a person and the way they function day to day and how little energy they can have even when it comes to doing such a small task like brushing your teeth twice a day. On bad days with my depression I have wore clothes all day, gone to bed in the same clothes then wore those clothes for another 24 hours sometimes longer depending on how deep my depression has hit me. On my good days greasy hair, unbrushed teeth and unclean clothes, no deodrant really get to me and I’m on top of those things daily but on bad days these things just don’t seem to matter. As my depression as always made me feel if I don’t feel good and clean on the inside why bother with the outside.

I view things a lot differently since having depression in the past and coping with spurts of it as it comes and goes in my life now, I realise if I walk past someone in the street who doesn’t smell so fresh, or look so clean and well kept not to turn my nose up as think things like ” why would you leave the house like that” and ”why wouldn’t you wear some deodrant” because the said truth is you don’t know what they are going through behind closed doors to lead them to get into that state and also the fact that I have left my house in that exact same state on my very low days.

But one thing I have stopped recently is putting myself down for doing these things and apologising for them because I have no reason to. If one day I don’t have the strength to get up and wash, brush my teeth or put on my make up that’s ok because today I can take a day off to clean my mind first before my body and my mind will always be more important.

Stay Strong, Keep Faith.

RayRay.